junk mail
Hello.
How are you today?
I am fine.
I am always fine.
Remember, I’m not just the owner, I’m also a customer.
I work for Bausch & Lomb.
I work at Lambeau Labs making ivory tusk face wash.
And you are hungry.
Would you like to add a side for just one dollar more?
Please feel free to gather 'round the good stuff.
Have we got a hot deal for you today.
I am enthusiastic, because I love my job.
I love what I do.
I love who I am.
Today is double coupon day.
Did you know that?
It’s a good thing we sent you that letter with pictures on it.
It was addressed to you.
You’re our favorite customer.
I'm our favorite employee.
And I said “wow” when I saw that Dasani 24-pack water
in half liter bottles was only $9 for two.
Today you will save lots of money.
We’re always saving you money.
Go ahead, mix and match to your heart's content.
Frosted Flakes are great.
Tylenol kills headaches.
You should be advised that now is the time to stock up and save,
as there are huge savings store-wide.
Art Van has never before had a ninety-eighth anniversary sale like this one,
and it will never happen again.
We don’t like to brag, but Pizza Today magazine voted us Pizza Chain of the Year.
Okay, we’ll brag a little.
Just look at this picture of a modern child eating a super cheesy slice.
Doesn’t she look happy?
Get the door, because it is Domino's.
It is Hungry Howie's.
It is Jet's.
It is Little Caesar in a Domino's disguise.
He’s got a Jet for you, and it’s hot and ready.
But how do you order your pizza without a cellular phone?
Did you think we didn’t notice you were without one?
We are watching you.
It is our job to watch you.
Cingular Nation has Freedom For Less.
Freedom from being a person who does not have a cell phone.
We guarantee that this is a limited time offer,
and we’re pretty sure that we think it’s a great deal.
This Halloween weekend, go all the way,
because we have the biggest selection at the lowest prices.
Don't listen to those imitators who also claim to have the biggest selection
at the lowest prices, for there can be only one, and we say that it is us.
How are you feeling today?
Have you had your coffee yet?
We do not advise going anywhere unless you’ve first had your coffee.
After all, the best part of waking up is Folgers in your cup.
Wait, Halloween USA said they were “where America shops for Halloween?”
We warned you to beware of imitators, but you didn’t listen.
We are no longer claiming responsibility for the happiness of your Halloween.
Hello, this is Halloween USA calling.
Do your kids have all the necessary Halloween gear they’ll need
to go trick-or-treating this year?
What about giant inflatable lawn decorations for the grownups?
And thanks to all of our customers for voting us number one in some obscure category.
Actually, we made that whole thing up, but who’s going to know?
Your phone is ringing.
Don’t worry, this will only take a few minutes of your time, and it’s for a good cause.
We need to know how to serve you better.
Could you just tell us exactly what you’re planning on buying,
so we know what products to make ahead of time?
Thank you, we do appreciate it.
Don’t forget to see our product in The New Movie.
A critic has claimed it to be the one “must see” movie of the year.
Critics never lie.
They’re professionals.
How are you going to feel when all your friends are talking about The New Movie, and you haven’t even seen it?
Bush's Best.
Looks like homemade.
Tastes like homemade.
And shucks, isn’t that close enough?
We think so.
Oh, you don’t need to worry about what to make for dinner tonight.
We’ve already chosen for you, and we practically cooked it too.
All you need to do now is heat it up.
You can do that.
It's easy, and fast.
And trust us, you need fast.
We’re pretty sure that you have absolutely no time to cook.
Studies have shown it,
and studies never lie.
~
2003