hole in the wall
Chaos and order.
What’s it all about?
Do you think that you, mortal,
have learned to speak the true language
of this world in such a short time?
A baby can learn to speak a first language
easier than an adult can learn to speak a second.
But you were not taught the first language.
The language of humans will fade away
as quickly as it came into existence.
The true language is not spoken,
but experienced.
A flaming inferno.
A sinking ship.
A mind, looking for meaning,
struggling for a grip.
Can you really decipher these codes?
I look out the window here
and think “it's a beautiful day outside,”
but this, like everything,
is relative.
They had been working on the roof, and for a few days, which happened to be over the weekend, there were no gutters, as they had taken off the old ones so they could put new ones on. Of course, it rained on both days that the workers were gone, and water was pouring in through the tops of my windows almost as if it had been raining inside the room (it's a very old building).
The next day, after I had mopped up what water I could, I decided to scrape back some of the paint and see how bad the damage to the walls was. Below one of the windows, I discovered a soft spot, and when I pressed it, it completely caved in, revealing a cavity between the visible wall and an inner layer, which appeared to be some kind of plaster or concrete. Curious, I got on the ground and shined a flashlight into it, only to be unexpectedly fascinated by what I saw.
There was a very thin layer of water covering the surface of whatever material was behind the wall, and it appeared to be flowing or swirling, probably due to air being forced through the hole. And then, I saw a white bug pass by, barely visible to the eye. It was just the one, but that was enough to change the mood. This was no longer just some structural damage I was inspecting; it was an inhabited world. Tiny creatures lived there, unaware of our own world, as I, in turn, had been unaware of theirs. What was the relation between these beings and all the things that we humans spend our time on? Were not their concerns just as real as mine, and no less important to them, in their own way?
I stayed there on the floor peering into that hole long enough that I lost track of time. It occurred to me, long before I got up, what a strange thing it was that I was doing, to be lying on the floor as a forty-four-year-old, staring into a small hole with a flashlight, feeling almost jealous of the bugs that lived inside it, far away from all the stresses we face. When I finally broke the spell, I couldn't help but smile, realizing that we all must have little things we do when no one else is around. Strange little things to comfort or amuse us, that others may never see. It felt good to know this, that you also have your secrets.
If this life is a dream, and the dream takes place inside a classroom, then in my own dream, I am constantly switching between being the teacher and being a student. One minute I’m standing in front of the class, delivering a flawless explanation of how something works, and the next I’m sitting in the back row, daydreaming about the girl I have a crush on, but will never talk to. Sometimes, the room is empty because school is out, and I’m not sure where to go.
~
2023