depression, chapter three
Sometimes it starts before I wake up. I had a dream this morning where I was sitting in the living room at the house I grew up in. My family was there, but not in the room with me. I started to have a panic attack that came on quickly. I was watching TV but it was gibberish. I couldn't move. “It feels like everything is always in the future, I don't feel like I'm even real anymore,” I yelled. But no one came.
One thing about me is that I like to be very tired when I go to sleep. If I don't feel like I could fall asleep in two minutes, I'm not interested in going to bed.
It's true what I said in the dream. Everything does always feel like it's in the future. Like it could happen someday, just not today. And... that other part. About not feeling real anymore. To be in your late forties and not have a single person to talk to, after having already been traumatized in your twenties and thirties, is not a very grounding experience. But perhaps I should laugh about it in a show of solidarity, because the way the world is going, being disturbingly disoriented is fast becoming the norm, at least among introspective types. What a horrible thing we are allowing to happen. Oh right, I forgot to laugh. Maybe I'll do it later.
What can we do? It really does seem like society is losing its collective mind. If I just had one good person to talk to about this, I'd feel a little bit better all the time. Ah, a bird just started singing its sweet song! Its not spring yet, but the snow is melting, and for a moment I was able to forget.
We're so lost in this maze now, our directions are often reversed. We have ideals at our core, but our ideals get processed through so many machinations, by the time they come to fruition they can feel like abominations. I could go online right now and say purposely divisive things, and thousands of people will heap praise on me for it, but say things that are good and true, and you're lucky if one person pays attention to you. Unless you're already famous. People love it when you're famous.
It's Valentine's Day. Meaningless as an adult, yes, but I can't stop the memories from surfacing. I saw a picture of some Valentine's Day cards from the '80s the other day and I was remembering how fun it was to pick them out each year, and how important of a decision it felt. Super Mario Brothers, My Little Pony, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Strawberry Shortcake, Garfield... the cards you picked, for one magical day, would be your personality. And if you had a crush or two, you got to give them a card that literally says “I love you” without having to admit it, because you gave one to everybody. What a clever workaround! They really should have that for adults. Or something, they should have something that makes us feel like we're young and excited about what's to come.
I almost forgot about the laugh. Okay here it is. The other day I made this simple sugar cookie recipe, only I left out the vanilla and added lemon juice, but instead of tasting like lemon bars, it was indistinguishable from cornbread. I somehow made cornbread without corn. I was not disappointed, because I like cornbread, but I was a bit confused. I don't know, maybe nothing is funny anymore.
~
February 2026