depression, chapter one
I.
For a long time, that's all I can say: I. Because.
I forget why. I forget my words. A northern wilderness. That's what it's like. All the details are gone, buried under three feet of snow. All white and blank and the same.
It hurts to speak. You'll take it wrong. Don't.
I have to wake up, have to find a way. I can wait. I'll just wait.
Maybe something, I don't know. I was trying to tell you... the world is gone. I mean I'm not in it. I remember it but I'm not in it. But the memory is different. The memories seem lifeless too. There's nowhere to go with that. I forgot I have a body.
It's very quiet. That's something I can think of. Everything else is frozen but me. Words are useless. I was thinking... I could pass the time. Instead of just sitting here. I've been sitting here. I could watch a movie. That was my idea. Because I can't do anything else. My mind is not working. I could... take in images and sounds. But they can't remind me of anything. That's the problem. It all reminds me. I don't like that there were cities a hundred years ago, before I was here. And it's not right that there are wars and bullies and thieves. Kids can't lose their friends, their best friends. Ow, that hurts to think about. Even just to look at these movies. Nobody watches them. They're all dead. Looking at these movies is like finding them on the ground in a forest. And you wonder how they died.
I try to think about if this matters, if this can make a difference. It feels like the ice will never melt. Oh no. I saw a movie I watched a long time ago. It's too sad this movie, about the old American expansion days. When the lands were far and wide. Too sad when there are lovers that have problems and they miss each other ow. Lovers should never have to be apart. Why is that not the most important thing to us, to keep the strongest feelings safe. Instead it's cold and harsh and people are mean and no one cares if you love someone more than anything. No one cares if your whole world changed when you met them. Ow.
Maybe my muscles aren't okay. I tried to eat some food. I didn't try anything else. I don't know what you want. I don't know how this ends.
I heard a name yesterday. It was the same name as my third grade crush. It wasn't her but the same first and last name. Ow. She's too far away now. No one remembers. It's hard to know if that was even real. Ow, I just remembered a sensation. It's called “cinnamon toast.” I haven't had it for a long time ow. Third grade crushes are like cinnamon toast. That's how much you like them. Rub my eyes it feels good. A big stretch. Maybe I could lie on the floor and see what that's like.
It's okay on the floor. I buried my head in my arms and closed my eyes. Sink into a deep warm place, a pulsating energy. A home inside yourself. I forgot about it. It's like a bathtub and I forgot you could fill it with something warm. Maybe that's where I should go, in that direction. But everyone is talking about the bad guys taking over and I read it all. I had forgotten about the bad guys for a minute. They really are that bad. I'm not in that world though. The other side of the glass.
It got me thinking more, about cinnamon toast, and whether I could make anything like that, not having any bread here. I used to love gum when I was a kid. One time I ice skated but the skates didn't fit well. I really tried so hard my whole life.
What should I be doing. I'm so tired. I'm just thinking of candy, and things that are like candy. More things are like candy than people realize. I mean they have that sweetness that goes right to your brain. I'm just sitting here. Is it Sunday? I guess it makes no difference. I just put my head in my hands over and over and look at the ground. I don't want anything. I just tried to think about music and I said “ow” before it even had a chance to hurt.
Maybe I'll give up. Walk out of my apartment in a minute with my hands in the air and say I'm done, you guys win. The cops will show up and take me away because I gave up, and I'll have to go back and be a kid in school again and not an adult. I'll have to do homework and do what my parents tell me and I won't have to worry about where anything comes from. After school I can sit in my room and read books and play with toys, I'll have so many toys. And I would be excited because I hadn't failed at everything yet. I would really believe with all my heart that the best things I could imagine were all going to happen someday soon. Yams. I have a can of yams here. Maybe if I put a lot of cinnamon and sugar on them? No. It has to be bread.
I don't think you understand. This is all I have in me. If I were to see any wet leaves on the ground, I'd decompose myself. If I think about what suburban streets are like, I'll flitter away like a bat. Every wild animal lives in seclusion from our world. Their homes are shadows we have never crossed. No one has ever conquered anything, that's fake. You can't conquer something you don't understand. Never mind. Forget it. It's too much. All the movies look fake too. People falling in love against perfect backgrounds, with no one interrupting them. Just two hours of pure bliss. I just remembered how that felt. Like putting a fresh piece of fruit-flavored gum in your mouth.
There's an antique store I like. Well it has crafts too. I guess it would be called an antique and crafts store then. Why is it so cold. It made me think of another antique store, from longer ago. This one was next to a creek and there were ducks even though it was winter, and a friend was there too, and that was a good memory. They had candy for sale, those rocks on a stick. I think it's just sugar and some kind of flavoring. I don't wanna cut my fingernails today. Ow. The stiffness. Not being able to yell. And no one caring about your strongest feelings. That's the worst part. You could tell them you'll die if you can't do something and they'll just laugh at you.
I guess it never goes away.
And stupid me, what did I do after all this? I picked a movie where the lovers get separated at the end!
~
2025